Modern physics is a subject which seems to depart further and further from reality (whats that anyway?). Read any scientific magazine and you will become rapidly bewildered by modern particle theory. New atomic particles seem to be dreamed up almost weekly; each one designed to account for variations in the behaviour of last weeks particle.
One offshoot of this is the idea that every positive particle in the universe has a balancing negative particle somewhere. Those of you who are familiar with the theories of one Isaac Newton will be aware that a similar state applies to various other properties. At last we have a modelling application of this principle in the form of a new iron-on film which is being developed by Softman Enterprises.
With the remarkably high strength of most such films, the tendency has been to make them thinner and thinner, which obviously means lighter and lighter. What makes the new product so remarkable is the fact that it has a negative thickness.
Wait a minute now! Don't run away with the idea that it has negative weight too. It still requires an adhesive film which has a positive weight, so the net result is a film which has some weight but this is less than the weight of the glue alone (still with me?). Current research is aimed at producing a thicker film which will have more negative weight and eventually completely cancel the weight of the glue. It may even be possible to make the film thick enough to produce a negative weight overall.
Initially, it was hoped that a separate adhesive could be used a la 'Balsarite' but there proved to be insurmountable difficulties involved in producing film without a glue layer. This would result in a substance which would be difficult to comprehend in normal human terms since it could not be seen or felt. Even with the adhesive there are unexpected problems to negotiate, such as the necessity to apply the film inside out. One obvious solution here may, of course, be to cover the model from the inside.
There are still a few more unusual little quirks to be overcome. Since the film is based on existing technology, it follows that a negative thickness means a negative shrinkage too. In plain terms this means that the film shrinks when cooled. Excessive use of the iron during covering will produce a very slack covering. This is easily cured by placing the model in the fridge for an hour or so, but beware of warps if flying in very cold weather.
One rather interesting by-product of all this is the fact that it is possible to stick the non-adhesive side of 'Sellotape' to the outside of the new film. This produces the odd curiosity of a one-sided, double-sided sticky tape!
One thing which may deter the more adventurous modeller from using the new film is that it is not resistant to 'Par-Flo Oil'. You can't have it all ways!
It seems that the latest venture by ASP (Anti-Social Practices?) is to be a line in modellers clothing. On hearing of this, I had an instant vision of an anorak with a transparent section in the back of the hood for those towing gliders!
How about a pair of shoes with a large spike protruding from the sole of one shoe only - for control-line flyers, of course. Or a pair of gloves with one three times the size of the other? For flicking propellers, dummy!
I wonder how many of you out there remember when fashionable modelling headgear included such items as windsocks, propellers and even complete models. Perhaps we could revive the trend. For some time now I have been intending to produce a cap with half a rotor blade protruding from each side - "Can anyone tell me the way to the helicopter contest?"
Once you get started on the idea, imagination tends to run wild. What we really need is an overall with a built-in drainage system leading to a catchtank (to be worn with pumps, obviously). After every couple of flying sessions, a whole extra tank of fuel could have accumulated.
Hand's up all those who thought I was going to say something different!
One of the other items of modelling wear which I remember from the past is, curiously, bang up to date. Look at any model magazine from the 40's and you will see pictures of tee-shirts with such inscriptions as 'Chicago Balsa Bashers' or 'Cincinatti Cement Squeezers', etc. English equivalents amounted to such startling declarations as 'Zombies'. With some of the inscriptions which can be seen on tee-shirts around the streets these days, any modeller worth his salt should be able to think up a few stunners. Any suggestions?
To kick things off, no doubt you are aware of the type of graffiti which takes the form 'wind surfers do it standing up!', etc. Various modelling forms have appeared over the years, some well known, some less known and some I've just thought up! Such as:-
Slope Soarers stay up longer.
Free Flighters try to stay up longer.
R/C flyers do it with frequency.
Rubber flyers do it in turns.
Helicopter flyers go straight up.
Pylon Racers only do it to the left.
Aerobatic flyers do it as far away as possible.
Glider flyers pull it up with a piece of string.
Vintage flyers remember doing it.
Control-line flyers have a line on everything.
Power Duration flyers get it up quicker.
Scale flyers check it with a ruler.
CO2 flyers take your breath away.
Stunt flyers do it with precision.
And my personal favourite:-
Indoor flyers do it in the bath with a bent coat hanger.
Any really good examples sent in will be featured in this column. Go to it.
And finally...
Your Editor, the redoubtable Alec Gee, has run out of vintage cartoons with which to decorate this page. Can you believe it, he has actually asked me to write more? Talk about a glutton for punishment.
Personally, I don't believe that anybody reads this page buried away back here, anyway. When you consider some of the outrageous things which I have said from time to time, we should have been buried in readers letters. So, there you have a triple invitation, why not submit your suggestions for modelling wear, tee-shirt decorations or cartoons.
If all else fails just send insulting letters, they can be very entertaining. Do remember though that all or part of what you write may be taken down, published and used in evidence against you.
Is that enough, Alec?